My muse...

My cat Potsina died on August 1st. I took her into the vet because she just didn't seem herself and two days later I had to make the decision to put her to sleep. My heart broke. I had left for the weekend to be with a friend knowing she wasn't feeling well. Work also called on Monday. I was slated to take a mandatory curriculum development class the entire week so no taking off to tend to my cat. I called in late to take her to the vet on Monday morning and went to the vet after the first day of class to be told she might have cancer. Tuesday morning I received the call that she did have cancer and it was at a level 10 on a scale of 1 - 10.

Tuesday afternoon I held her in my lap for 2 hours and wept. She went from growling to clinging to me in my arms. I sat huddled in the corner with her on my lap and 6 other cats staring out of their cage at the two of us. For two hours I told her everything I loved about her even when she was at her shittiest. (Which secretly and sometimes not so secretly I rewarded with my pride.) When it was time to make the decision I held her in my arms and cried openly in front of the vet and the assistant. They let me stay with her until I was ready to go.

So, what does this have to do with art? Quite frankly, I'm not sure. I think I secretly want to be more like my cat. As some of you know, I work a Monday - Friday job as a Corporate Trainer. I always do and say the right thing. I coat my words with sugar and have thin relationships with my co-workers. Again, what does this have to do with art? Well, in my Monday - Friday job I am a team player and work with my team at coming to consensus. Being a team player and coming to consensus doesn't inspire good art. In fact, it inspires mediocrity. This goes to making nice for a paycheck or making art for the sale.

I had a conversation with an artist who talked about how he only looks to the master's and that contemporary art is basically, bunk. I disagree. I have seen a lot of art either going for the shock/gross out value (think B horror film) or for the walk in the field of daisies sweetness (think of the sappiest chic flic). That seems to be the struggle. Who or what are you making art for...what group of people/thought are you trying to come to consensus with in order to validate your existence as "artist?"

I think to my cat Potsina and the 12 years of attitude she displayed. She was teaching me a lesson and I didn't know it. When she was happy, pissed, uncomfortable, hungry, needy...I knew it. I know, I'm putting human feelings to an animal. I think I need to have animal feelings toward my life and art. Lately, I have been reaching out to old acquaintances and new acquaintances because I have been feeling needy. I have been speaking frankly at work. I am not pursuing relationships that make me pissy. When I like someone I tell them. I am looking at my artistic direction through a new, more critical lens. I am working toward being genuine in my person and in my art. I'm taking naps when I need them.

Potsina is inspiring change in me and a new self-evaluation that goes deeper then I have gone.


Thank you for the life you lived on earth my precious little muse.